Prowl and the Holy Grail
by Autobot Chromia
Summary: Prowl is overworking...again,and Jazz had an idea to give him a break. Is this break really worth it? Who will win,Prowl or 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail' Complete crack-fic,no slash, I own neither Monty Python,Monty Python quotes,or Transformers. Please forgive me if I have placed the scenes in an order different from the movie. Rated T for safety,but shouldn't really need it


Prowl and the Holy Grail

Jazz walked through the somewhat crowded halls of the Arc. He had one place in mind,one place he was heading. Prowl's office.

"All that mech does is work."Jazz muttered to himself.

"Who?"a red and blue mech asked beside him.

"Oh,hey there Smokescreen."Jazz said,slightly started at the sudden appearance,"Prowl. All he does is work!"

"Yeah."Smokescreen said with a shrug."Typical Prowl."

"It ain't good for 'em. He needs to get out o' that office."Jazz said.

"Good luck with that."Smokescreen said with a chuckle.

"Oh,don't ya' worry."Jazz said."I got me a plan that's sure to work."

Smokescreen shrugged again."Mind telling me about this plan of yours?"

"Mebe later."Jazz said."On second thought,mebe you can help."

"Sure!"Smokescreen said,excited."What can I do."

Jazz quickly whispered instructions to Smokescreen. Smokescreen started to laugh, but stopped as Jazz continued. His optics widened.

"Really? Ratchet's gonna get ticked if you do that!"Smokescreen said.

Jazz shrugged."Are ya' in or out,Smoke?"

"You can count me in."Smokescreen said.

"Good. See ya' in a moment!"Jazz said as he went to a door.

Smokescreen turned and headed to the Rec. room. Jazz wiped a smirk from his face plates and knocked out the tube of 'Shave and a Haircut'. A scoff was heard on the inside as Jazz opened the door and practically bounded in.

"Heya,Prowler!"Jazz said cheerfully.

"Hello,Jaz."Prowl said,not at all amuzed."And it's Prowl."

"Watchya doin'?"Jazz asked,pretending to be interested.

"I am filling out paperwork for Optimus,and then I have to do reports,and then-"

"Boring!"Jazz exclaimed,drawling his word.

"You asked."Prowl said,taking a stylus from a drawer and begining to write on a blank data-pad.

Jazz snatched the stylus from him,causing an ugly,thick line to go across the paper. Prowl sighed,irritated.

"Jazz what are you doing?"Prowl asked."I need that to do my reports."

"Whatchya need is to take a break!"Jazz said.

"I have to work to do,Jazz."Prowl said,taking out another stylus and erasing the scribble on the data-pad.

Jazz tapped his foot,his plan wasn't going as well as he had hoped. Suddenly,he spotted the days mail on a corner of the desk. Almost right on top was a television guide for the weeks programs. He snatched it up before Prowl could stop him and started to page through it.

"Hey Prowler,'As the Kitchen Sinks' is new this week!"Jazz said,trying to catch his attention.

"That's nice,Jazz."Prowl said,not even listening.

"DId ya' here me,Prowler?"Jazz asked.

"Mm-hm."Prowl muttered,obviously not."That's nice."

"Wouldya lookie here! Looks like the Twins welded Ratchet's aft to the door again!" Jazz said,ponting at nothing.

"That's nice."Prowl said.

"By the Allspark! Decepticons!"Jazz shouted.

Prowl lept from his seat,blasters ready."Where?"

He put his weapons away as Jazz burst out laughing."Very funny,Jazz."

He went to go sit down again,but Jazz grabbed his doorwing,tight."Oh no ya' don't!"

"Ah,Jazz, stop that!"Prowl flinched.

"I will if ya' agree to take a break."Jazz said,now his plan was getting somewhere.

"Fine."Prowl muttered.

"Good."Jazz said with a large grin,and let go of the doorwing. "Let's go."

"Where?"Prowl asked,confused.

"The Rec. room. Ya' agreed to take a break."Jazz said.

Prowl gave a half-sparked nod and followed the other mech into the wreck room. Smokescreen sat on the couch,a cube of energon in his hand. Jazz gave him a thumbs up,and Smokescreen gave him a quick nod. Both went unnoticed by the SIC tactition,who was filling a cube of energon for himself.

"Hey,Bee,"Smokescreen adressed the yellow youngling in the room."Do you remember that holo-vid we saw last week?"

" You mean 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail'?"Bumblebee asked,a large smirk on his face.

Racious laughter burst out from the other side of the room. Red and yellow twins held onto each other and their sides.

"That holo-vid was hysterical!"Sideswipe choked out.

Sunstreaker nodded in agreement. Prowl looked at the laughing mechs for a second,a confused look on his faceplates. He went through his memory files before speaking.

"I am unfamiliar with this holo-vid. What is it?"Prowl asked.

_Perfect._ Jazz thought._ Right on cue._

The laughter had stopped and the room fell unnaturally silent for a moment. Sunstreaker was the first to break the awkward silency.

"You've never heard of-...never heard of"he laughed again."M-Mont Python and...and the Holy Grail?"

"No I haven't."Prowl said."I don't see what's so funny. This holo-vid actually sounds quite serious,due to it's religious name."

Laughetr burst out all over the room again,much to Prowl's dismay. He sighed and turned to leave again.

"Where ya' goin',Prowler?"Jazz asked,grabbing his doorwing again.

Prowl tried to push the hand off,but didn't succeed in prying it off in the least."To my office."

"Oh, no, yer not!"Jazz said."Ya' can on one condition."

"And what is that?"Prowl asked.

"That you watch it."Jazz said,unable to hide his smirk.

"Why would that be so difficult? It's only a simple holo-vid."Prowl said.'

"Without crashin'."Jazz added.

"Again,why would that be a possibility? It is only a holo-vid."Prowl said.

"So ya'll do it?"Jazz asked.

"I accept your chalange,Jazz."Prowl said confidently.

"All right!"Sideswipe said. He rushed to the door and shouted out."Attention everybot! Prowl's gonna watch 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail!'!"

Bluestreak,Wheeljack,Perceptor,and even Optimus Prime entered the room.

"Optimus?"Prowl asked."You know of this film."

"Yes."Optimus answered,being careful not t give anything away.

"All right mechs,place your bets!"Sideswip said,next to a table."Will he crash or will he not?"

Prowl sighed."Must everything be turned into an oppotunuty to gamble with you bots?"Prowl asked.

He watched as Bumblebee,Wheeljack,and Bluestreak bet that he would make it through the movie unscathed. Smokescreen,Perceptor and Sunstreaker bet against him. Prowl was shocked as he saw Optimus set down a few energon chips and a credit or two.

"Optimus! You are betting? And against me?"Prowl asked in a surprised voice.

"Nothing against you,Prowl."Optimus said."But you don't know what you're getting youreslf into."

"Please."Prowl said."A simple religious film?"

"You still don't get it,do you?"Bumblebee aked.

"Get what?"

"Tune it down."Jazz said,shoving Prowl in a seat."Put in on,Smoke."

Smokescreen put the holo-vid on,and somebot turned off the lights.

Prowl watched in horror as it started,and even in the first five minutes he knew that he was doomed. A scene came up where these knights were trying to get by this man in arnour. To his horror,he watched as the mans limbs were cut off,one by one. Still the man threaghtened the others,saying that he would still fight them,even if it was simply biting them!

"H-how is that possible?"Prowl asked."A human can't function once taken apart. Not like that!"

"Don't try and overthink it."Jazz said.

"Why are you helping him?"Smokescreen asked."I need him to crash!"

Prowl glared at him,and calmed himself. His glitch was going nuts,his battle computer and logic processor were going crazy,trying to analize it. He vented hard,and managed to get past it. He looked back at the screen,which was at a new sceen. It appeared that these knights had to separate or had become separated somehow. This man was in what seemed to be a convent of some sort.

"See,did I not tell you that this movie was reli- what the..."Prowl started,and then his voice trailed off.

Every single one of these 'nuns' were blonde! He believed that their optics or eyes were all blue as well. While they all wore habits,they all also wore very revealing dresses.

"Whoa."Bumblebee gasped,having forgotten about this part.

Optimus quickly placed his hand over the younglings optics and refused to move it until the scene was up,even though Bumblebee protested.

"Religious women do not do that."Prowl said,his voice trembling.

He felt that all too familiar feeling in the back of his processor,threatening to crash. He closed his optics and leaned foward,holding his helm around his chevron. Yet again he was able to prevent himself from crashing by venting deeply. When he finally looked up again,an even worse scene was on.

"What in the name of Primus?"Prowl exclaimed.

These men had reuninted,though it appeared they had lost some troops. They were hidden behind some rocks,and kept peaking out. They seemed terrified of a simple rabbit. Prowl went through every reason why one might be terrified of a hare,but found none. Suddenly, one of the men went out to confront the rabbit,and it attacked! It jumped on his face,tearing at it!

"Look how fake that is."Perceptor said nonchalantly."It is clearly stuffed."

"You've got that right."Wheeljack said.

Prowl was in a state of shock. He wasn't noticing anything around,as his optics were glued to the screen in horror.

"It's got bloody fangs!"Sunstreaker and Sideswipe quoted in unision,along with the character on the screen.

When Prowl was finally able to focus,there was a bridge scene. There were only a few knights left,and there was some odd looking man asking them questions.

"What is your name?"he asked.

One of the men answered.

_This looks all right._ Prowl thought to himself._ Maybe the foolish stuff is over. Every movie must climax at some point._

"What is your quest?"

"To seek the Holy Grail."the first man answered.

"What is your favorite color?"

"What?"Prowl asked."What does that have to do-"

"Blue."the man replied as Prowl sank back into his seat.

The next man came foward. The bridgekeeper asked his first two questions again. Prowl was expecting that absurd color question again,but was pleasantly surprised with what the second man was asked.

"What is the capital of Assyria?"

"That's easy."Prowl said."It's-"he was cut off again as he watched the man be flung into a volcano.

Another man came up,and was asked his name and what he wanted to cross the Bridge of Death for. This man was asked what his favorite color was,just like the first.

"Blue. No yel..."The man was cut off by his own screams as he was flung into the volcano.

Another man came foward,the king. He was asked his name and why he wanted to cross the bridge.

"What is the air speed velocity of an unladen sparrow?"the bridgekeeper asked.

"What do you mean? An African or a European swallow?"the king asked.

"I...I don't know that one."the bridgekeeper admitted before being thrown over as well.

"Well, you have to know these things when you're a king you know."the man replied to another man.

Prowl could feel his CPU fritzing. What does a king need to know about sparrows?

"Prowler,ya' all right?"Jazz asked with a smirk.

"Fine."Prowl mumbled.

Prowl didn't pay much attention to the movie after that. Sounds and cheesy lines all whirred together in his processor. He mainly focused on not crashing. He'd show everybody that he could make it through this movie. His CPU was telling him that his thought about making it through was illogical,but he ignored it.

The movie was coming to an end. There was a castle in the distance,and the men in the movie looked very glad that their journey was coming to an end. All they had to do was raid the castle,and take the Holy Grail. Prowl was quite glad that the holo-vid was nearly done, and was rather proud that he had not crashed. His battle computer was all ready strategizing different ways to get the grail when suddenly, the screen was filled with police cars! Police cars, in the middle ages! The knights and king were being taken away,and then the screen went black.

"What!"Prowl exclaimed."That can't be it! No!"

Smokescreen was sulking in a corner as Prowl sat down heavily."I really thought he was gonna crash."

"Don't give up yet."Bluestreak whispered,nudging Smokescreen.

Prowl was leaned foward again,mumbling to himself and holding his helm.

"How is that possible? That cannot have ended that way. Bloody rabbits...capital of Assyria! Sparrows...police cars...coconuts!"

Prowl's rambling turned into a shout,and suddenly a electrical snap filled the room. It sounded like a fuse going out,and then a thud. The lights were turned back on to reveal the black and white doorwings straight up in the air,Prowl's face in the ground.

"Haha!"Smokescreen said,proudly standing up to collect his winnings.

Jazz turned Prowl over and looked at the closed optics."Prowler? Ya' okay, buddy?"

Prowl was still muttering in his uncontious state."Ni...ducks and witches...AAAHHHH"Prowl shouted,jumping up,optics wide in shock.

"Prowler,calm down."Jazz said."Are you all right."

"Ni."Prowl answered him,as calm as anything.

"What?"Jazz asked.

Prowl looked at Jazz blankly before answere,still calmly."Ekki-ekki-ekki-ekki PTANG z'nrngmm."

"Prowler,saw something normal."Jazz said,sounding worried as mechs behind him started to laugh.

Prowl stared at him hard in the optics before saying in a strong voice and rasising his servo in the air,"None shall pass!".He then fell limp,his optics shuttering again.

"I think we should get him to Ratchet,Prime."Jazz said,now very worried. He turned around,and didn't see Optimus. He then spotted him next to SIdeswipe,collecting his winnings."Prime!"

"Coming."Optimus said,subspacing the credits.

The two picked Prowl up and carried him to Ratchet's med-bay,who was not in the least happy about the predicament. Once Optimus and Jazz left though,more to dodge his flying wrenches,he burst out laughing.

"'Monty Python',huh, Prowl?"Ratchet said to the uncontious mech."Let's get you booted up."

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

The next day Prowl was going down the hall form his office. He had a major processor ache from all those data-pads he had read,and had writers cramp from that stylus. He was ready for his berth. He typed in the unlock code to his room,and entered. He didn't bother turning on the light,as he knew his way around quite well. He soon fell face first onto his berth with a contented sigh. But something was in the berth with him. Frantically he reached over to the berthside table and turned on the light. What he saw scared the scrap out of him. He shot numerous times at the berth,destroying that...that most foul,cruel,and bad-tembered thing!

"Somebody's shooting!"Jazz said in alarm.

"It's coming form Prowl's room."Optimus said,leaping up.

"Quickly!"Ratchet added.

The three jumped up and ran off to Prowl's room. They looked around and could see nothing out of the ordinary other then Prowl was ducked on the other side of the desk,his doorwings sticking up, and shaking. Another thing off was the berth,which was full of burnt out and smoking holes. Jazz went foward to get a closer look and found the remains or a stuffed animal. It looked like it had been, at one point, a white rabbit with exadgerated fangs. It aslo had a drop of red paint on it's oversized teeth,but it the rest of it had been burnt away from multiple blasts.

"Prowl?"Ratchet asked.

Prowl could only shout one thing.

"It's got bloody fangs!"


End file.
